I don’t know whether I’m crazy or just lonely, or genuinely depressed, or pmsing.
I am so unhappy with so many things in my life and I can’t control any of them. I have this nagging want to talk to somebody about everything and just cry a lot, and end up spooning until we fall asleep. Why can’t I have that? I feel the world’s disconnect so hard when I’m single. It’s almost impossible for me to communicate with people anymore without getting self conscious about sounding crazy.
I feel like I can’t be honest with the people I care about the most because I’m going to hurt them. But then I can’t be around them without wanting to punch them in the face. I can’t be assertive without being called a bitch. I can’t be honest without somebody questioning my motives. I can’t love somebody who will actually love me back. I can’t hold anyone for more than 5 seconds without being creepy. I can’t be me. I can’t love. It’s all I want.
I’m a total mess, and I know I just need to dump it on somebody and feel better, but the guilt associated with that action is so hard for me to overcome. Needing help feels pathetic. And even when I get close to spilling it out, I’m scared the mess of it all will scare whomever away.
I want to move away more badly than I have ever wanted to before. But not yet. I’m onto something with my job, I just have to stick with it instead of running away screaming.
I just keep listening to Bowie and crying. This is ridiculous.